Tuesday, Mar. 14, 2006
Babies on the brain again.

I haven't written in over a year. I don't know why, I just haven't felt like it, I guess.

Maybe I just look at this diary as a babies only diary. I wrote about my pregnancy and having Lucy and then lost interest. Now babies are on my mind again, so it makes sense I would want to take this up again.

My good friend, Michelle just found out she is pregnant. She's not far along, only about 4 weeks or so. She's due in November. She says it doesn't feel real yet, and she hasn't told anybody but me and one other friend who is currently pregnant.

It's made me have babies on the brain. I read my birth story again to relive the joy. It was such a powerful day. Most days I don't feel like having more children is the right choice for us. But every now and then, I get that longing. My friend having a baby isn't helping me get it off my mind any.

I had a dream the other night where I had a little baby boy, and he was so good. He had trouble nursing, but he never cried. Lucy cried a lot when she was very little - we were always worried about her. It was just colic, and it lasted almost an entire 6 months. Sometimes it seemed like she was only happy when she was nursing. Then, as if like magic she snapped out of it. And now she really an incredibly easy child. Very obedient and smart. She's sweet and considerate. I love everything about her.

That's part of the reason I may want to stop with just one. It seems to me that so many parents play favorites. I don't ever want to feel that way. I don't ever want Lucy to feel that I favor somebody over her. Not that it would happen, but it could, and I couldn't handle doing that to either of my children.

I don't think all parents are like that though. Both of my sisters-in-law seem to do just fine giving each of their children an equal amount of love and attention. I've never sensed any favoritism from either of them. I do from my doctor though... and that's really weird, because I really like my doctor. But, when she talks about her two children, I really get a sense that she favors her youngest, and I think that's horrible.

I would never be like that, I just know it.

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