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Monday, Jan. 17, 2005 I'm feeling very alone today. I guess I should utilize this journal more often to vent my feelings, because I really need to vent. My sister-in-law sort of reminded me about it yesterday. My marriage is at a very bad point. I'm tired of working at it, and I don't feel like he is willing to work at all. I usually end up just giving in and deciding that if he's okay with how things are, who am I to complain? So what if we never have sex. So what if after Lucy goes to bed, I watch TV upstairs and he watches TV downstairs. So what that we bicker about little, stupid things constantly. So what if I don't even want to be around him lately. He seems so angry lately. He swears at the computer, and the TV and the camcorder. He mutters under his breath so that only I can hear him. Everyone else in the whole wide world thinks he's Mr. Perfect. Nobody knows that he has this side to him - stubborn and angry. I suppose they would all say it's my fault he's angry. And maybe it is. I know I'm feeling kind of angry these days too. Work still sucks. I'm never busy enough. You wouldn't believe how GOOD I feel when I go home after a day of keeping busy - BILLABLE busy. Today John had to say something in the morning meeting about how nobody was busy last month. We might as well have not shown up he said. I wish I hadn't then. I think about opening up my own business all the time now. I'd like to open a coffee shop across the street from the agecy. Then I'd have build in business. Or maybe one of those Lady's workout places with circuit training. Those seem like they'd be pretty cheap to maintain. And easy to run - probably easier than a coffee shop. But, the last thing we need right now is more debt, and that's the only way we could do it - borrow the money for a franchise. Thank God for Lucy. She's my shining star of happiness in a grey world. Tracy and I talked about taking a trip someplace tropical. When we discussed it, I genuinely wanted to go - just to get away from Pete and work. But, now I keep thinking about spending money I don't have - and Tracy's perfect body next to my hugely flawed one on the beach, and leaving Lucy for several days - and it just doesn't sound all that appealing anymore. Not to mention, I have to do all the leg work of searching the websites for the deals. It's always that way with Tracy. I have to call her, I have to make reservations, I have to make the plans. Sometimes I think that if I didn't get my haircut from her I could easily go 6 months before she'd even notice that she hasn't seen me in awhile. Pete's over at his computer saying "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck" over and over - I finally had to put my earphones on. It's that way 80% of the time around here lately. God I hate life right now.
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